FTL-T Meeting with clinical psychologists, Laura Scarrone Bonhomme and Dr Michael Beattie
Laura has given very helpful talks to us in the past so we were delighted to meet her again, with her colleague, Michael Beattie, following the recent publication of a much needed, practical and well researched book - “Gender Affirming Therapy - a guide to what transgender and non-binary clients can teach us” which they co-authored with LGBTQ+ counsellor and peer support worker, Skye Davies. Three of us parent members of FTL-Thad contributed thoughts that the authors included in the chapter “What about the parents?”
As our usual meeting place in Battersea was unavailable on this Sunday afternoon, we met in a community hall in Worcester Park (thanks to Gill, our FTL-T co-ordinator, for arranging this). 16 parent members attended, bringing lots of cakes with them!
For most of the meeting Laura and Michael invited us to share with them our experiences and issues we faced as parents of transgender, or non-binary, children, which was helpful for relatively new parent members to hear, and also contribute. Issues included mourning for the loss of the child-that-was (and what we did with old photos of them); the awkwardness and upset caused by tripping over changed pronouns especially in front of our trans child; when and how to announce to others our child’s change of gender; worries about our trans child’s safety and associated mental health issues. Michael shared with us the idea from a trans person that the daunting prospect of “coming out” as trans can be transformed by “inviting in” those with whom you are happy to share your change of gender and identity.
We were reminded that our trans children have already been on their own internal journey regarding their gender identity before they open up to us and that they then expect us to be immediately on-board with how they are feeling. As parents we have our own journey to navigate, and it is not an easy one.
After tea and cake break we engaged in a small groups exercise thinking about our own gender identities as parents. Laura and Michael gave us 4 questions to discuss.
How do you know you are the gender you are (leaving aside your body anatomy)?
What makes you feel comfortable or uncomfortable in relation to your gender?
How was your understanding of gender shaped? Who taught you?
What has been your experience of gender policing?
It was interesting to reflect upon our individual experiences and how this might influence our reaction to our trans child’s new identity.
Many thanks to Laura and Michael for sharing their expertise with us. We would recommend their book especially for the psychological perspective on transitioning, reflecting trans or non-binary people’s experience as well as the impact on parents.
